


Caught By the Ghosts In My Machine

by pandorabox82



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26341219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: Penelope finally hits her breaking point, finding herself overwhelmed by change. And the only person she can imagine turning to is someone she hasn't seen in years, Alex Blake.
Kudos: 1





	Caught By the Ghosts In My Machine

Penelope found that she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong in her life. She had been exclusively seeing Luke for the last three weeks, she had effortlessly slipped into her new job, away from the horrors that she had seen on the daily while attached to the BAU. But something was missing, and she couldn't put her finger on what. It may have been the fact that she didn't talk to Jayje and Emily every day, or that everyone seemed to be so easily able to move on without her, but there was a yawning in her heart that made her want to run.

The only problem was where could she run to? Hotch was still in the wind, her former teammates were too busy to fit her into their lives, and as much as she thought that she might like being with Luke, he was starting to feel less and less like a safe harbor for her heart. After all the change that had happened in such a short timespan, her mind was still reeling as it tried to adjust to a new normal. As she looked around at the pictures that lined her walls in her new office, and finally her gaze fell onto the sweet face of someone she hadn't thought about in a number of years. "That might be far enough away. All my bills are set up to be automatically paid, I haven't really settled into this job, and I can easily find a new one, given that Emily will write me a good reference letter. Fuck it, I'm going to do it."

Steeling her shoulders, Penelope called up her word processing program and wrote a quick, polite, letter informing her boss that while she had thought that this change would help settle the restlessness in her soul, she found that it was not the proper fit for her, and that she needed to do some soul searching before she was ready to take on a permanent position anywhere. It was more difficult to write her letter of resignation than she had thought, but she did find it easier to write to Luke, breaking off their relationship. Thankfully, they were just starting a case in Montana, which meant that he wouldn't be able to get back to her before she was gone, and she could easily decline his calls and ignore his emails and texts.

Once that was taken care of, she finished out the rest of her workday before leaving the letter on her desk before heading home. Once she was there, she took stock of her fridge, using up what perishables she could in making her meal. It didn't take long to clean out the rest of her fridge, dumping the perishables into a trash bag that she'd dump in the trash before she took off. With that task taken care of, she went into the bedroom and pulled out a few suitcases, filling them with what she assumed she would need for her trip. She knew that she would be returning here eventually, so she packed lightly and then set her bags by her door before taking out the trash and then changing into pyjamas.

"I had better check and make certain that I have the right address," she murmured as she stretched out on her bed, grabbing hold of her tablet. As her fingers flew across the screen, Penelope smiled to see that everything was still correct in her contacts, even if there was a new cell number. That made sense, since she would have had to close down her work number after leaving the Bureau. "All right, if I leave here by nine, and take an hour for lunch around one, I should reach her house by five. She should be home by then. I hope." Letting out a soft sigh, she then called up her email and sent off the email to Luke before putting it on the charger. Then she pulled out both her phones, turned on their do not disturb functions, and set them to charge as well before going old school and picking up a book off her nightstand and starting to read in order to calm her nerves and not think about what Luke's reaction might be. Soon, though, she found her eyes growing heavy, and she stuck a marker in her place before setting the book aside and crawling beneath the covers, barely managing to turn off the light before she fell asleep.

In the morning, she woke up later than she would have liked, and had to hurry through getting dressed and making breakfast, eating as fast as she could while brushing her hair and shoving a headband on her head. Penelope didn't even take time to check her notifications as she shoved her tablet and laptop into her attaché case before shoving her phones in her pocket and running out the door, barely taking time to grab her bags and keys on her way out. Breathlessly, she unlocked her car and stuffed her bags in the back seat before getting behind the wheel and backing out of her spot, pulling out into traffic at five past nine.

Her GPS smoothly directed her onto the highway north, and she tried to ignore the notifications that were popping up at the top of her phone as she drove. She caught the fact that quite a few were from Luke, and she just didn't want to deal with him at that moment, not when her mind was made up. "It is a good thing that I have geotagging turned off on my phone, otherwise he'd track me down," she muttered, shaking her head to clear out the distracting thoughts as she continued towards her destination, turning up her music and singing along as she drove.

Penelope found that she made surprisingly good time, and after stopping for lunch at a quaint little restaurant, she was once more underway, with only two and a half hours to her destination. It was around that time that she also began to have second thoughts about just dropping in on Blake, without giving her some sort of warning. After all, she could be on vacation with James somewhere, or she might turn her away at the door. After all, they hadn't kept in touch over the years, and she might not remember Penelope favorably, since they had never truly had an opportunity to gel.

She tried not to think about that as she came closer and closer to Boston, finding the city a little difficult to navigate through, even with her GPS. Finally, though, she arrived at the house, and she pulled into the driveway, sitting behind the wheel of the car as she stared at the darkened windows. "You won't know her answer until you knock on her door. And maybe James will take pity on you, too, Garcia," she muttered as she slipped her phone into her pocket and got out of the car. Before she had even reached the porch, the door was opening, and a familiar dark head was peeking out. "Hey," she called out, her voice sounding a lot less certain than she would have liked.

"Garcia?"

"No, it's the Tooth Fairy," she said sarcastically, watching as Alex let out a sharp laugh before coming down to her side. "I, I need a place to escape, and you were the first person I thought of?"

"You drove eight hours, to a place where you weren't certain you'd be welcome, to escape?"

She nodded, feeling her lower lip begin to tremble a little. "I guess I, I don't know. I needed someone who knew me from before?" And then, before she could stop herself, the dam holding her tears back burst, and she turned away from Alex, not wanting her to see her cry. There was a brief moment where she heard nothing, and that a hand was closing around her upper arm, turning her slightly. "May I hug you?"

Alex nodded before allowing Penelope into her space, and she tucked her head into the crook of the older woman's neck, allowing herself to sob out all the pent up frustrations of the last few months. "Come inside, Penelope, and I'll make you some coffee."

"Good coffee?"

"Of course, would you expect anything less from me?" She shook her head before taking a look back at her car. "You can get your bags after you've rested for a few minutes." Penelope nodded and meekly followed Alex into her home, locking the car before she closed the door and joined her in the kitchen. It was nothing to take a seat at the kitchen table and watch Alex putter around in the kitchen, a grace to her movements that Penelope had never considered before. "What did you need to escape from?"

"Change?"

Alex shook her head a little as she turned and leaned against the counter, looking at her closely. "That's right, when we first met you told me that you hated change, more so than a normal person. So, what's changed recently?"

"Everything, or at least it feels that way. JJ is seriously considering taking a position at the New Orleans field office, to be closer to Will's family, never mind that her mother still lives in Pennsylvania. Emily is dating another agent, and he's based in Colorado, and she's considering being with him out there. Reid, well, he's only part time with the Bureau now, mainly consulting work, as he starts a normal life, but you've probably heard about that, since you two were always so close. I was dating a coworker, well, not really a coworker, because I took a private sector job a month ago, and…everything just became too much and I had to run. I thought you would understand?"

Alex nodded as she unfolded her arms and came over to the table, taking a seat across from Penelope. "You felt shut out by the people you thought were your closest friends. I get it, I felt the same way towards the end of my second tenure with the BAU. I was isolated, I was lost, but no one truly noticed, because they were all so tight with each other. You were so kind at the hospital, when Spencer was fighting for his life, but I still was adrift, and it made more sense to leave and hold on to what remained of myself. I just ended up finding more loss."

Penelope thought that those were the most words she had ever heard Alex say in one go, especially about herself. "I take it that James…"

"No longer lives here? No, we tried to make it work for two years after I left the BAU, but I had seen too much. I was, how did he put it? Too haunted for him. I guess watching my friend die at the hands of a former coworker and then my protégé almost dying at the hands of an unsub left scars on my heart that I couldn't heal."

She let out a soft sigh as she reached across the table for Alex's hands, taking hold of them and squeezing tightly. "Hearts take so long to heal, Alex. I know that now, more than ever. Would you mind if I spent some time here? Like I said, I have a few bags, well, two, plus my computer bag, and I can pay my fair share of what you think is appropriate, plus freelance some IT work. I just can't go back to that place right now. Not when I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin for how wrong it feels."

Alex gave her a small nod. "You look exhausted, I would be too after that long a drive. Head upstairs, the second door on the right is the guest bedroom. I'll bring in your bags while you nap, and we can drink coffee after you've rested."

"Thank you," she whispered, a fleeting smile flitting across her face as she stood up. Noticing Alex's shoes by the door, she toed out of her own before finding the staircase and heading up. There was a curious part of her that wanted to explore the house more, but she knew that she would probably get an official tour in the next few days, and didn't want to break Alex's trust in her. Instead, she went straight into the room Alex had told her about and flopped down on the bed, asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow.

When she woke up, Penelope was surprised to find that Alex had gone through her pockets and taken out her phones, setting them on the nightstand along with her glasses, as well as covering her with a thin quilt. It appeared to be handmade, and was the sort of soft that only came with use and age. Cuddling down into the mattress, she blinked her eyes a few times before reaching out for the phone she knew Luke had the number for. Scrolling through the notifications, she saw that he had been blowing up her phone every five minutes, with a text or a call, and she screwed her eyes closed as she tried to think of her next move, feeling almost trapped by his constant attempts at contact.

"You know, if you really don't want him to contact you, you need to destroy your sim cards. You're the one who taught me that."

She glanced up to see Alex in the doorway, leaning against it casually, a concerned look on her face. "I know, but I don't want to lose contact with everyone else. Which I suppose means that I should text him back and let him know that I'm alive?" Alex nodded. "Join me?"

Alex let out a breathy laugh through her nose as she crossed over to the bed, taking a seat at her side. To her surprise, the older woman reached out and patted her leg lightly, and Penelope leaned over so that their shoulders brushed for just a moment. There was something so right about that simple touch, and she smiled a little as she scooted closer to the woman, bringing the phone up to look at the screen just as another text came through. "You need to actually type on that screen rather than just stare at it."

"I know, but I might need an incentive?"

That question came out a lot more suggestive than she had meant it to, and she blushed as she pulled away from Alex, feeling like she had just done something very foolish. To her shock, Alex leaned in close and pressed a quick kiss to the side of her head, getting more of her headband than her hair, but the gesture was still sweet, and she took a deep breath as she nodded and unlocked her phone and called up her text messages. _I need space and time, Luke. I know that you can use Kevin to find me, but don't. I don't want to see you right now. I'm not certain when I'll want to see you again. Please respect my boundaries for once in our relationship and do this for me? Please?_

She pressed send and set her phone back on the nightstand before flopping onto the mattress and staring up at the ceiling. "Do you feel better now?"

"A little? I'm just hoping that he listens to me. He's more stubborn than Derek ever was, if you can imagine that, and I don't want to have him show up on your doorstep." Alex stretched out next to her, and Penelope listened to her breathing in an effort to calm the pounding of her heart. "And thanks for the token of reassurance, it did help."

"I thought it might. I used to…"

Alex broke off her words before she finished her thought, and Penelope turned onto her side so that she could look at her, hoping that she might be able to stare the woman into completing what she had been about to say. "Who did you use to comfort like that?" she finally asked when it appeared that the woman wasn't going to say anything more.

"Erin," she whispered harshly, rolling on her side to face Penelope. "We were roommates in the Academy. I told a witness about that when we were working that case where we were able to close down that conversion therapy camp. Oh, not that it was Erin, just that I had a roommate who asked me to destroy any evidence that she was bisexual if something happened to her while we were together. And we were together." Alex held her gaze for an extra beat, and Penelope knew exactly what she meant without her having to say another word. "It was a wonderful few years, but we both knew that it could never last, not with her parents being so rigid. So, we enjoyed the time we had together, and then rejoiced when we ended up at the BSU together. I can't help but think that if we had both been stronger, had stood up to her parents as a united force, what happened with the Amerithrax case might never have occurred."

"There is a line from a British medical soap that I watched for a little while. How wonderful life would be if only I was brave enough. I think that that we all need that bravery once in a while, but it is so hard to find, especially when we're young."

Alex nodded and Penelope let out a light sigh as she brought her arm out to rest around her waist. "And then we get stuck in our ways, unable to bend, until we break. I still miss her. James swore that her ghost came between us, and that was why he had to leave. He said that he couldn't sleep in a bed where another woman also was. After the divorce, he asked if we had made up before she died, if I had been sleeping with her behind his back."

"That bastard."

"It was a fair question, Penelope. He knew that I had previously slept with her, and that things grew close again while we were working on that fateful case. But neither of us could ever bring ourselves to cheat. That was completely outside our moral codes, even if we did touch each other with more yearning than is found in a Jane Austen novel." She giggled at that description, blinking back tears as she did so. "But enough about me, let's head downstairs for coffee."

Penelope nodded, knowing that Alex needed some space after being so open and vulnerable with her. "And we could maybe order Chinese food for supper?" Alex nodded, and Penelope picked up her phone as they went past, somehow knowing that Luke would probably text her back, wanting to explain. All she wanted, however, was to get to know Alex better, and maybe find a way to leave the ghosts in their machines in the past.


End file.
